Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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