what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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