There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
