I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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