she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
