Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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