Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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