Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
