I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
We don't watch enough power rangers
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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