Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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