so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Randomize
