My liver just broke up with me...
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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