I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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