you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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