Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
