Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
