he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
