as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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