i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
