ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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