Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
