I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
