Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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