My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
