My liver just broke up with me...
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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