Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
