shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
