I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Two words: blizzard sex
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
