I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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