Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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