Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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