She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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