I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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