His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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