i was born a porn star she said
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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