Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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