Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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