Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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