If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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