last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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