life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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