my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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