Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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