I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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