so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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