I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
