I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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