I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
