she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
The Olympian is in my bed
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
