Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
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