Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Damn victory sex feels great
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
