if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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