I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My dad is sitting where you rode me
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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