whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
