I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
