It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
