Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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