This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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