You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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