Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Randomize
