I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
